What are the odds the guy who wrote this drivel is either a chronic bed-wetter or squats to pee?

Via Daily Beast:

In the immortal words of Stefon, on paper, Jurassic World has everything. You can just picture a horde of cocaine-giddy studio suits huddled around a boardroom table volleying verbal handjobs back and forth and chattering their teeth with excitement.

It has the hottest—and most likable—star in the galaxy in Chris Pratt, who will go as far as rapping “Forgot About Dre” in its entirety to ensure box-office supremacy. It has legendary filmmaker Steven Spielberg on as a producer. It has freaking dinosaurs. And, last but certainly not least, it’s a cherished cinematic property that holds a special place in the hearts of millennials.

Because of all these dazzling should-be attributes, people—myself including—will enter the theater wanting to like it; craving a Proustian flashback to the childlike wonderment you felt seeing that giant, roaring T. rex stomping after bugged-out Jeff Goldblum in a Jeep for the first time.

But Jurassic World is not good. In fact, it’s aggressively bad.

Filmmaker Joss Whedon saw this coming. The Avengers maestro, reacting to a particularly chauvinistic promotional clip that debuted online ahead of the movie’s release, tweeted, “…and I’m too busy wishing this clip wasn’t ’70s-era sexist. She’s a stiff, he’s a life-force—really? Still?” A month later, in a cruel bit of irony, Whedon would delete his own Twitter account amid allegations that he’d shortchanged Black Widow in his supercharged sequel Avengers: Age of Ultron. But still, his point was a valid one. And it becomes even more prescient once you actually indulge in the carnival of chaos that is Jurassic World.

Yes, Jurassic World is not about corporate greed, anti-militarization, crass commerciality, disrupting the food chain, or dinos eating the shit out of people. No. It’s about a woman’s “evolution” from an icy-cold, selfish corporate shill into a considerate wife and mother.